Right now I am sitting on my mosquito netted bed writing this blog while hyenas howl off in the distance and the beating of an African drum drifts through my house.
Today has been...hard.
So far this week we have already had to go into Arusha twice, take Happy to the doctors, and visit markets close by. And well...I was hit with a harsh realization. A lot of the Africans do not want me here. I am white. I am from America. And well...Some people here will never forgive me for that.
At one of the smaller markets closer to our house, Ksusha and I tried to buy some eggs (there was an entire crate of them sitting in front of our face) and the lady simply waved us away and said they weren't for sale. They weren't for sale...because we were white. Walking with Happy in town stirs mixed emotions as well. While an American may sigh at the sight of two white girls carrying around a black orphan baby, an African may give us a dirty look letting us know that they don't "need" or "want" our help. It is amazing how easily the words "why don't you go back from where you came from, you don't belong here" can be communicated in just about any culture without the use of words at all (how often do we communicate, "You are welcome, you are loved, come and stay a while" without a language?). It has been made clear to me that the people still carry a lot of hurt and painful memories here.
Should this upset me? How should I feel about this? Is this the part where I pack up my bags say, "Ok fine, I will leave. Thanks for the hospitality, I'll go love on someone else.", or is this when i just love harder, love more, love deeper, and try to show these people that love transcends negative comments, hurtful looks, skin color, and painful memories? That love stays no matter what?
...
I don't know.
Today has been...hard.
Praying for you and reminded, that sometimes the hardest thing to do is to "love our neighbor" when they don't even seem to want us to! I was reading today in James and my study posed a question that said :
ReplyDelete" Think about this carefully: How could loving others as we ourselves turn out to be liberating to us?
God has a mighty plan in sending you there! You are doing an amazing work, and the devil would love nothing more than to discourage and defeat you! You are loved and being earnestly prayed for. Blessings to you Courtney. Tomorrow is a new day, and I know God has a special plan!
Shannin
Thank you for the encouragement and prayers Shannin! Today was a new day. <3
DeleteFrom Melissa: Court, I have no idea what you are going through, but I know that God is BIGGER than this, and that He will give you the strength you need to get through this. Remember, God will never EVER give you anything that you can't handle. I know life throws curveballs, and when the going gets tough, the easiest thing to think is to give up. But we both know how much you would regret that if you did. You are there for a purpose, and I believe with all my heart that people are slowly going to see that and accept you. No Worries SISTA FISH (From Zac: Just come home then! Oh Yea!)
ReplyDeleteSista Fish: Thanks so much, I love you guys and miss you like crazy already! You are the best and I'm so blessed to be able and now call you family. So much love.
DeleteZacaroo: Oh Yea!!! ;)