Tears in the Darkness.

Last night Happy and I were alone in our home for the night. As I lay in my bed I was startled by sudden desperate cries drifting through the darkness. I quickly ran into Happy’s room and scooped the little tear stained girl up into my arms, rocking her and assuring her that she was safe and that it was only a dream (looks like I’m not the only one with nightmares here). Her little face buried into my chest as I carried her to my bed and let her crawl under the covers with me. I put on part of a Disney movie in hopes that it would replace any dark scary thoughts with light and giggles. I then put on some calming piano music in hopes that she would fall asleep…

Here I lay on my back with this precious child in my arms, her head nestled into my chest and one of her little hands wrapped tightly around my finger. I could feel the soft steady rise and fall of her breathing as her other hand searched for mine under the covers. Once she found it she held on tightly stroking my thumb with her tiny little fingers... 

This was the moment.

The moment when the tears came.

Silent. Steady. They slid down my face into the darkness.

My thoughts were simple, my emotion helpless as I realized this shouldn’t be me. I shouldn’t be the one holding this little girl in the middle of the night. Her hands shouldn’t be wrapped around mine, they should be wrapped around her mothers.

But Happy doesn’t have a mother…or a father…she has lost all of her family.

Happy is an orphan.

I have always known this, knew this months before coming here, knew it the day I arrived. And yet…

Sometimes we know something but it doesn’t truly become realized, it doesn’t truly become a reality until…a moment. A precious and powerful moment.

This was my moment. 

I knew Happy was an orphan...

I placed her back into her crib for the night and crawled back into my bed alone.  Here I longed for someone to scoop me up, wipe away my tears, hold my head to their chest and tell me that this was all just a bad dream…

But I knew it wasn't.   

So I let the tears come.