Last night I baked. I had friends over. We laughed and
smiled. We ate ice cream with forks and watched Youtube videos.
I felt joy.
I have missed friendship.
I thought of something I read the other day, “Find someone
that can make you laugh and don’t give up on them”.
I hope they don’t give up on me.
Long after they left I sat alone…
I thought. I hurt. I questioned. I tried to understand anything. Plucking at my guitar I sang for what felt like
hours.
Music heals me. Kind of like chocolate and friends…kind of
like being loved.
This morning I drank tea with my best friend. I shared my
heart with her. It was beautiful.
I felt hope. Hope in the freedom of finally being able to
confess hopelessness.
I have missed friendship.
I thought, "Find someone you can be transparent with and don't give up on them".
I hope she doesn’t give up on me.
Hours after we left I found myself suddenly bent over in
front of my mirror. Forcing myself to stand up, forcing myself to breathe.
“You are beautiful. You are strong.” I found myself
repeating the words to myself over again and again under the vague hope that
repetition eventually leads to truth.
It doesn’t.
So I did the only thing I could. I pulled out the left over
memories from the night before. Pumpkin spice fall crunch cake, made with
friendship and giggles. And I cut out a piece…
