Dessert for Breakfast.

Last night I baked. I had friends over. We laughed and smiled. We ate ice cream with forks and watched Youtube videos.

I felt joy. 

I have missed friendship.

I thought of something I read the other day, “Find someone that can make you laugh and don’t give up on them”.

I hope they don’t give up on me.

Long after they left I sat alone…

I thought. I hurt. I questioned. I tried to understand anything. Plucking at my guitar I sang for what felt like hours.

Music heals me. Kind of like chocolate and friends…kind of like being loved.

                                                                                                                     

This morning I drank tea with my best friend. I shared my heart with her. It was beautiful.

I felt hope. Hope in the freedom of finally being able to confess hopelessness. 

I have missed friendship.

I thought, "Find someone you can be transparent with and don't give up on them".

I hope she doesn’t give up on me.

Hours after we left I found myself suddenly bent over in front of my mirror. Forcing myself to stand up, forcing myself to breathe.

“You are beautiful. You are strong.” I found myself repeating the words to myself over again and again under the vague hope that repetition eventually leads to truth.

It doesn’t.

                                                                                                                      

So I did the only thing I could. I pulled out the left over memories from the night before. Pumpkin spice fall crunch cake, made with friendship and giggles.  And I cut out a piece…

Because…well sometimes you just need to eat dessert for breakfast.