Positivity?

Some nights I dread going to sleep because I know what awaits me in the morning. That sounds so terrible but its true. This is one of those moments. Wednesday is approaching much too quickly. And unfortunately Wednesday feels like it should most definitely be Friday. I got sick last Friday and haven’t completely recovered so teaching yesterday and today have been two extraordinarily long days. When you’re tired, teaching is just NOT fun. It takes so much energy to be a good teacher, and I have felt like a terrible teacher the last two days..I’m trying not to get discouraged and to remember that I haven’t been feeling 100% and that this most likely is the entire reason while I’m depressed about my teaching abilities this week haha. I think the whole sick thing has just thrown me off to be perfectly honest. I have been feeling pretty homesick too. I am just finding myself really missing my life at home, and college. Particularly the whole college scene. Walla Walla just started and everyone is starting to put up pics and I’m like, oh dear. This sucks. Haha that’s what I get for leaving to be an SM while I was LOVING college. A lot of people leave because they want a “break” from school. Not I. I left at the highlight of my college experience. Also, today I found myself missing class. I was like someone slap me in the face, what is wrong with me?! But its true…I kind of enjoy class haha like I kind of miss going to class and having my brain stimulated (wow I sound like such a nerd). Even dare I say writing papers?! I know, I know, this pohnpeian heat has to be seriously getting to me. Maybe it’s the sickness?? Anyway, if I cold have one comforting thing sent to me in a package right now it would most definitely be the seasons. Its only October and I’m missing them so much (what sucks, is I know its only going to get worse). At least I have made a life decision. It’s official, I’m living somewhere with seasons. I love them so much, I’d do anything for Autumn leaves right now, a cool and crisp day (yet still sunny), and the smell of pumpkin spice…A trip to starbucks to get their pumpkin spice latte with Emily on a girl date/study break sounds like simple perfection. Sigh…I probably sound pathetic. I keep telling myself I need to toughen up and then I get mad at myself. I don’t want to be here missing home, I want to be here living up every second I can, because when I leave I’ll probably be missing it here! anyway…I guess this is me openly admitting that this week has been well…hard, I have felt a little a lone and dare I say it again..homesick??? (ugh, what a terrible word!) The sickness that I got here was super weird. Amy got it to, but a little different. Kat assured us that most SM’s get it when they first come here, and one of the parents said it was like an island thing. Its like pretty much just exhaustion. I can’t really explain it except that you have NO energy. Like it takes almost all your strength to lift your arm. Plus I had a terrible sore throat (why does that accompany EVERY sickness I ever acquire?? And me off all people…) and my throat and like glands got super swollen, and I was pretty achey all over. But mainly just the exhaustion thing. I slept like all weekend. I just feel like there is so much that I want to do here, and I’m just too tired at the end of the day to do anything but recharge for the next day. It’s like this vicious cycle. I want to spend time with the people here, play basketball with the local boys, start an exercise program for the high school girls, cook meals at our house for the other SM’s, have a weekly bible study, etc. And I feel like I’m slacking. Like there is so much I want to do that I’m NOT doing. Well…I’ve complained long enough J The more trials I encounter the more I should be rejoicing in the opportunity to overcome them, and grow. I have been told that being positive is a quality that I posses, and I wish I could agree with those people more right now. I really do want to have a positive attitude and appreciate the incredible opportunity I have here. Even if I don’t have the energy or opportunity to do all the things I want to, at least I have the opportunity to teach 22 children every day about Jesus. He has chosen to love these kids through me this year. That is a privilege beyond words, a privilege that I don’t deserve. That should be enough for me..