Home...

You know that feeling of peace, comfort, and familiarity washing over you when you realize that your heart is home? I felt that in Pohnpei. I knew I was exactly where I was supposed to be, loving the exact 24 children I was supposed to be, and breathing the fresh salty air I was supposed to be...

Yet I find my heart desperately searching for a home now. Comfort, purpose, and reassurance are a mere vapor that I can not seem to grasp.  I want to be at home with who I am, where I am, be at home with my desires, my dreams, my hopes, and the questions in my heart. I want calm and peace in my soul, even though my future is uncertain.

Jesus my faith is lacking. I thought my story would be different somehow...Will you remind me that uncertainty is beautiful? That mystery is adventure? That love is patient? Remind me that when I long for adventures in the rain, kisses on my nose, strong arms holding me safe and tight, grass between my bare toes, and romance in song, that I long for you, and that no matter where I am, or where I am going, that you are home and always will be...

A Moment To Question.

I started off today rushing to class, stressed thinking of all I have to do, and strategically planning how I will get as much accomplished as possible before Sabbath hits quite early tomorrow afternoon. I found myself rather agitated throughout the morning, and realized that I was definitely not the only one rushing.  Everyone seemed to be running somewhere, and alas this is our culture. This is American culture, we’re supposed to be achievers, strivers, accomplishers….but of what?

If we could choose the type of life we wanted to live is this what we would choose? Would we cram our schedules full, would we pour our time and energy into papers and assignments and extra curricular activities?

Is this really how we want to live? Is this how Jesus calls us to live?

What if we woke up in the morning and just took time to sit, think, read, and drink a cup of tea? What if we walked to class or to work, stopping to chat to friends and acquaintances along the way? What if we cooked dinner with family and friends every night taking the time to be thankful for our blessings, our food, and taking time to develop relationships? What if we made people the priority?

Because Jesus made people a priority.

 I seriously struggle with these questions some days. And well, today is one of them.  Midterms are next week meaning that I have 3 tests and 2 papers.  I know I’ll make it through, get all the studying in, have my papers turned in on time, but will I have spent time on the things that I care about most? Will I sit down with Alexandra Paulsen and seek to understand her heart on a deeper and more beautiful level? Will I snuggle up in a music room late into the evening pouring my heart out onto the black and white keys of a piano? Will I sip tea in the morning and watch the sun rise and leisurely have a wonderful chat with Jesus? Will I attempt to put my dreams and thoughts into words and lyrics and then sing to someone's hurting heart? Will I let my creative side get the best of me and cook an experimental dinner and deliver cookies to friends? Will I do yoga out on my balcony as the sun is gradually setting? Will I write letters to my kids in Pohnpei and remind them how much I love them?

Nope.

So I can’t help but think…there has to be so much more than this. 

Four Words.

Four words for my today...

Alone

Disappointed

Small

Forgotten

Dear Jesus, if I could please choose four words for my tomorrow...

 

Full

Sunshine

Hope

Anticipation

Thanks. You're the best. Hugs. 

A Love Affair

I am saying goodbye to a four year long love affair.  At first it was a love triangle, I was trapped between loyalty and love, and then it definitely turned into a full blown affair.  My heart used to belong to Southern California where I was born and raised.  The thing is, California treated me very well.  I loved the beach sunsets, the sand, the warm weather, and couldn't really see myself living anywhere else...but then...then I met Washington.  I was introduced to fall leaves, the joy of waking up to the first snow of winter, frosted trees, thick forests, chilled rivers, anticipation of spring and the colors that accompany it, a state that seemed to meet my adventurous heart with eager anticipation, challenging me to explore, to be free. 

So dear Southern California, consider this a formal apology.  I'm sorry, but I am now a Washington girl.  I am no longer confused or torn, the triangle has been eliminated, my heart now belongs to the snowcapped mountains, coffee shops, evergreen forests, and fresh air of the NorthWest. So thank you for the good times, for a wonderful childhood, for sunny days at the beach, but....well....I guess what i'm trying to say is...how do I put this? It's not you it's me.  I don't think I see this relationship going anywhere...and to be perfectly honest, I have kind of developed a huge crush on Washington. I hope this doesn't make things awkward between us, and I want you to know that I'd really love it if we could still be friends...

Cookies and Jesus.

Today I was baking cookies for a friend when it suddenly occurred to me that I was not baking by myself. I suddenly felt like swirling around my kitchen, and my heart was filled with a subtle and calming joy accompanied by a simple realization. I never bake alone. I never run alone, I never study alone, I never sleep alone, Jesus is always right there with me. Singing in the middle of an ocean, frolicking around my kitchen, snuggled up in my bed at night, He is the greatest built in best friend a girl could have.

As I have grown in Jesus I have grown in myself. A slightly loaded statement I suppose…I never used to be able to be by myself, I hated it. But now I enjoy the quite moments away from friends, family, and acquaintances because I have discovered that they are moments filled with the greatest of company of all. These are the moments when I am the furthest from being alone. Jesus understands me, my silliness, my desires, my dreams, my longing for adventure and love like no one ever will. When I get frustrated with recipes and decide that I have much better ideas, or when I get unbelievably excited about how beautiful the littlest flower is, or when I continue to snuggle up to my stuffed animal Larz every night even though I am 22 years old I feel Jesus there, giggling, adoring, and smiling at me, with me….and it is simply amazing.

A law firm and a bakery.

Practicality and my father are the bestest of friends. I feel like my father is constantly introducing us to one another, but the truth of the matter is practicality and I just don't get along very well. Yes, I have been known to be responsible, dependable, and even at times mature (one would assume that practicality would fit in quite nicely with the whole group), but though I have tried I can only accept him as an acquaintance.

Recently I have been asked by almost everyone I have run into what I will be doing next year after I have graduated. Jokingly I have begun stating that my big plan is to move to San Francisco to sing on street corners. Just about a week ago my father brought up this topic and suggested that I contemplate applying for law school. Being the proud parent that he is, he pointed out my dedicated drive to accomplishing whatever I put my mind to in life. Some days I wish this was a drive to be a doctor, a lawyer, someone prestigious and successful, someone that could be the bestest of friends with practicality. But what if it was the complete opposite? ...

I want to open a bakery, I want to sing, I want to be a missionary. Literally, I want to bake cakes and make up recipes for healthy cookies, I want to record music, I want to play soccer with little kids in the rain and sleep in a hut and ride a horse everywhere. How wonderfully ridiculous is that?

But wait...That's not how this whole thing is supposed to work is it? It's supposed to be college, then marriage, graduate school, a stable job, a cozy home, and then kids right? ...

Looks like I missed the memo...my dear friend impracticality must have forgotten to pass it on.

An invitation.

I originally started blogging due to my year as a missionary over seas. I felt that I no longer had a reason to write upon my return to the states so simply stopped. But though I am living in Washington my heart still sings, my life is still filled with dancing late hours of the night and experimental cooking. I may not have 24 children to delight in everyday or gorgeous island sunsets to take my breath away, but I have beautiful friends to drink tea and eat bagels with, and frosted trees outside my window that fill my heart with childlike joy. Adventure is just as much in my heart now as it was a year and a half ago, and writing still seems to bring a peaceful quietness to my soul. I find Jesus through the pages of my prayer journal and through song lyrics that sing to my heart. So on this Christmas Sabbath evening I have decided to pick up the pen again so to speak and start writing once more. Consider yourself invited to a glimpse into my heart through writings, lyrics, and dreams of the daughter of the King. I invite you to dream, cry, laugh, and sing with me here. Blessings, Courtney Breann