Thunder Storm.

Hair dripping wet- Rejuvenating,

Heart jumping with the Light,

Feet splattering- Pitter-pattering

Head spinning, Heart longing

Adventure stirring,

EXPLOSION!

Hysterical laughter, Emotion dancing

Love and mystery, Power and majesty

Freedom. Freedom. 

Jesus this is fully You,

And now, now this is me. 

Can I hold your hand?

This week Jesus asked to hold my hand...

"Why Jesus?" I asked, "Are you leading me somewhere? Are you helping me through a difficult time? Preparing me for things to come?"

"No." He responded, "I simply wanted to intertwine my fingers with yours...to touch you...to feel the warmth of your fingers, to hold a little part of you..." 

My heart beated, my breath stopped-caught up in a rare moment of true romance.

My hand slipped into his.

Beautiful.

Simple.

Home...

You know that feeling of peace, comfort, and familiarity washing over you when you realize that your heart is home? I felt that in Pohnpei. I knew I was exactly where I was supposed to be, loving the exact 24 children I was supposed to be, and breathing the fresh salty air I was supposed to be...

Yet I find my heart desperately searching for a home now. Comfort, purpose, and reassurance are a mere vapor that I can not seem to grasp.  I want to be at home with who I am, where I am, be at home with my desires, my dreams, my hopes, and the questions in my heart. I want calm and peace in my soul, even though my future is uncertain.

Jesus my faith is lacking. I thought my story would be different somehow...Will you remind me that uncertainty is beautiful? That mystery is adventure? That love is patient? Remind me that when I long for adventures in the rain, kisses on my nose, strong arms holding me safe and tight, grass between my bare toes, and romance in song, that I long for you, and that no matter where I am, or where I am going, that you are home and always will be...

A Moment To Question.

I started off today rushing to class, stressed thinking of all I have to do, and strategically planning how I will get as much accomplished as possible before Sabbath hits quite early tomorrow afternoon. I found myself rather agitated throughout the morning, and realized that I was definitely not the only one rushing.  Everyone seemed to be running somewhere, and alas this is our culture. This is American culture, we’re supposed to be achievers, strivers, accomplishers….but of what?

If we could choose the type of life we wanted to live is this what we would choose? Would we cram our schedules full, would we pour our time and energy into papers and assignments and extra curricular activities?

Is this really how we want to live? Is this how Jesus calls us to live?

What if we woke up in the morning and just took time to sit, think, read, and drink a cup of tea? What if we walked to class or to work, stopping to chat to friends and acquaintances along the way? What if we cooked dinner with family and friends every night taking the time to be thankful for our blessings, our food, and taking time to develop relationships? What if we made people the priority?

Because Jesus made people a priority.

 I seriously struggle with these questions some days. And well, today is one of them.  Midterms are next week meaning that I have 3 tests and 2 papers.  I know I’ll make it through, get all the studying in, have my papers turned in on time, but will I have spent time on the things that I care about most? Will I sit down with Alexandra Paulsen and seek to understand her heart on a deeper and more beautiful level? Will I snuggle up in a music room late into the evening pouring my heart out onto the black and white keys of a piano? Will I sip tea in the morning and watch the sun rise and leisurely have a wonderful chat with Jesus? Will I attempt to put my dreams and thoughts into words and lyrics and then sing to someone's hurting heart? Will I let my creative side get the best of me and cook an experimental dinner and deliver cookies to friends? Will I do yoga out on my balcony as the sun is gradually setting? Will I write letters to my kids in Pohnpei and remind them how much I love them?

Nope.

So I can’t help but think…there has to be so much more than this. 

Four Words.

Four words for my today...

Alone

Disappointed

Small

Forgotten

Dear Jesus, if I could please choose four words for my tomorrow...

 

Full

Sunshine

Hope

Anticipation

Thanks. You're the best. Hugs. 

A Love Affair

I am saying goodbye to a four year long love affair.  At first it was a love triangle, I was trapped between loyalty and love, and then it definitely turned into a full blown affair.  My heart used to belong to Southern California where I was born and raised.  The thing is, California treated me very well.  I loved the beach sunsets, the sand, the warm weather, and couldn't really see myself living anywhere else...but then...then I met Washington.  I was introduced to fall leaves, the joy of waking up to the first snow of winter, frosted trees, thick forests, chilled rivers, anticipation of spring and the colors that accompany it, a state that seemed to meet my adventurous heart with eager anticipation, challenging me to explore, to be free. 

So dear Southern California, consider this a formal apology.  I'm sorry, but I am now a Washington girl.  I am no longer confused or torn, the triangle has been eliminated, my heart now belongs to the snowcapped mountains, coffee shops, evergreen forests, and fresh air of the NorthWest. So thank you for the good times, for a wonderful childhood, for sunny days at the beach, but....well....I guess what i'm trying to say is...how do I put this? It's not you it's me.  I don't think I see this relationship going anywhere...and to be perfectly honest, I have kind of developed a huge crush on Washington. I hope this doesn't make things awkward between us, and I want you to know that I'd really love it if we could still be friends...

Cookies and Jesus.

Today I was baking cookies for a friend when it suddenly occurred to me that I was not baking by myself. I suddenly felt like swirling around my kitchen, and my heart was filled with a subtle and calming joy accompanied by a simple realization. I never bake alone. I never run alone, I never study alone, I never sleep alone, Jesus is always right there with me. Singing in the middle of an ocean, frolicking around my kitchen, snuggled up in my bed at night, He is the greatest built in best friend a girl could have.

As I have grown in Jesus I have grown in myself. A slightly loaded statement I suppose…I never used to be able to be by myself, I hated it. But now I enjoy the quite moments away from friends, family, and acquaintances because I have discovered that they are moments filled with the greatest of company of all. These are the moments when I am the furthest from being alone. Jesus understands me, my silliness, my desires, my dreams, my longing for adventure and love like no one ever will. When I get frustrated with recipes and decide that I have much better ideas, or when I get unbelievably excited about how beautiful the littlest flower is, or when I continue to snuggle up to my stuffed animal Larz every night even though I am 22 years old I feel Jesus there, giggling, adoring, and smiling at me, with me….and it is simply amazing.